ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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