I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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