i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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