i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
