I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
