Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
