Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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