he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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