I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
