I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
