Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i dont even know how to be here
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
