If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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