The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
