I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
