Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
