I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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