oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
