Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
