Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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