I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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