could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
