I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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