I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
