if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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