so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
