I look better un-naked...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
