Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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