the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
