i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
