HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
