my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
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