Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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