soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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