can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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