I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please come you make the beer taste better
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
