so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
