i think i have herpe
just one?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He did a backflip because drugs
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
