so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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