Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
