I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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