you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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