she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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