he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I looked at my own cervix.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
