Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
