Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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