Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
