Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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