I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
two words: eviction party
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
