I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
