I heard we made out
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard