My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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