census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
