so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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