In the future we'll all be gay
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
