This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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