Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
