I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
