what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
