you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
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I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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