He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
